Stepfather as Coach
Last week one of my stepdaughters passed another milestone by completing her residency at Northwell Health Lenox Hill Hospital in OB/GYN. As I celebrated the occasion with her and family I reflected on when she first became a part of my life 30 years ago. Her biological father had returned to France, so I was able to step into the role of stepfather mostly unencumbered. This was not a responsibility I took lightly and there’s no automatic acceptance because you are with the mother. I also want to mention that I have three additional stepchildren whom I deeply love and admire but I’ll focus on them another time.
Being a stepfather is the most important job I have ever had. It’s different from being a biological father in that you don’t come with any built-in credentials. I can’t say do x because I’m your father. (Does that ever work anyway?) I suppose the child’s willingness to accept this new person can depend on when you enter the child’s life but generally that acceptance comes with time. Like with any new relationship it’s an equation of input to output. You only get out what you put in. My stepdaughter began ballet at an early age, so part of my duties was to pick her up and sometimes take her to lessons at ballet school. This is when I observed her discipline, dedication, work ethic, and grace which has certainly been borne out with her latest accomplishment. She was also educated at one of the more academically challenging schools in New York City so assisting with homework was a regular activity. After high school, she attended one of the Ivies. And two years ago, she married her college sweetheart. All of which I’ve been an engaged participant to one degree or another.
So why am I posting this note? I suppose it’s because I want to express my gratitude for witnessing her life and verbalizing my appreciation for that honor. Gratitude from a Buddhist perspective recognizes the interconnectedness of everything and the goodness in our lives and how it came to us. I try (when I remember) to start my day with gratitude and observe how much richer my life has become from being a stepfather. I’m amazed by what children notice that I’ve long forgotten but it’s often at the core of who we are. Once unexpectedly, my stepdaughter thanked me for helping her avoid having “daddy” issues by being a steady and loving presence in her life. Honestly, I never thought about how I might have helped her. I always approached our relationship with no expectations. That left the opportunity to be surprised at any moment. Looking back over these years I so appreciate what being a stepfather has given me. There are ups and downs as with any relationship. But most important it seems was to remain a consistent presence. Being available when the floodgates opened and listening intently to every word without judgment.
As I celebrate this milestone, I am struck by the simplicity and depth of what it means to be a stepfather. It’s a role without a manual, defined by unwavering support and shared triumphs over life’s ebbs and flow. The true essence lies in offering guidance without expectation, influence without imposition, and remaining a constant ally. Not surprisingly, many of these skills I also apply to my coaching practice. The rewards are innumerable and yet the greatest reward has been the opportunity to witness and contribute to the unfolding story of her remarkable life. For this, I am immensely proud and profoundly thankful.